Why I went MIA from my writing post

In 2016, I went missing in action when I deserted my Monday school blogposts.

This was not only due to PTSD (post-polygamy traumatic stress disorder), I was trying to find employment, and transition into the workforce.

The past year has been both interesting and insightfully challenging.

As my daughter recently wrote: “It is a wonderful time to reflect on all of our individual and shared accomplishments from 2016 . . .”

I AM.

After graduating from college, I tried several jobs trying to figure out how to make a sustainable living.  For a while, I was a delivery-person, Uber driver for a short period, tried being a service-provider to elderly, and then decided it would be best to create a band and sing at retirement homes. I recruited family members to help.  I never imagined, for a moment, that elderly folks with hearing aids could detect I was tone-deaf.  I had no clue that I was not on pitch, until my daughter told me. That venture only lasted one night.

By some strange fate or coincidence, at the beginning of last year, I was hired as a behavior interventionist working with autistic children. Something I never imagined doing.

The results: I absolutely love my job. I work with individuals who have difficulty verbally communicating learn to communicate. In many ways, this experience has been a life-changer for me.

To work with autistic children, I had to learn ABA (applied behavior analysis).  Although it was relatively easy to learn, so many changes were occurring during the same period. The first month I got shingles, most likely due from the stress.  It was tough.

I continued to work, and never gave up.

Most days I suffer from anxiety, and I don’t know if I can physically go to work or not, but I do. I never allow the tricks, dark force, temptation, negative energy, or what a behaviorist calls an “aversion” to control me.  Every work day, (yep, every one), I experience dread or a foreboding sensation in my gut, my heart races, and if I know my supervisors are going to be there watching me, I often hyper-ventilate before leaving my home.

Logically, I know if I do not work, I will lose. So, I simply put on my shoes, whether they match or not, and walk out the door.  When I get to work, I love it and wonder why I was ever anxious in the first place.  I wonder why I dislike my bosses watching me when I am happy to see them and receive their support. (It is the strangest phenomenon, and it could be related to knowing how much energy it takes to do my job right).

https://youtu.be/LkFDMVxFAv0

I don’t know why I brought all this up, except to explain that not only have I been busy making changes in my life—a change has occurred in me.  Not only have I touched the lives of others, and have truly participated in communication miracles, my clients and ABA have given me the gift of communication.

We are all unique

Nearly twenty years ago, after leaving polygamy, I was told by a psychologist for vocational rehab that I was intelligent enough to go to a University.  But, in the back of my mind, after leaving his office, I kept wondering if I was so intelligent then why did he help me put the puzzles together that tested my intelligence level.

After polygamy, I tried several times to go back to school, yet my path was never linear; it was a squiggly ride.  It took many more years than I anticipated before getting a degree in sociology and finding a career path.

There were times when taking cognitive psychology, I wondered why a class of over 200 students would see an image or concept one way, while I saw it the opposite way.  After talking to one professor, the only consolation I received was that my experiences validated the exact point she was trying to make — most often our brain and the way we process information is similar—again, most often.  All brains are unique.  No two are the same.

Our individual path

I am so grateful for the path that has been provided, the one I have helped create, so that I can share some recent experiences, and my wild (and brilliant) mind.  I believe in the gift of being healed because I am continually healing.

I was recently explaining to a loved one that my future writings might make some people uncomfortable, especially Mormons. But, nobody is forced to read them. My purpose is not to change or hurt people; it is to support people who believe differently.

I write for myself (the same way I sing to myself), and I post them because I know it helps validate others.

Sometimes I ponder what it would have been like to be a first wife commanded to live polygamy, and not be able to communicate my sorrows intimately with my husband; to act out violently like a frustrated autistic child who is not understood. But, then, I realize that scene is not a dream–it was me.

What horrific impact did polygamy, and living in Utah have on my brain?

Although I was not considered physically raped; night after night, I was emotionally and psychologically raped until I was on the verge of jumping out of car, and thrusting a knife into my chest. All the while my husband watched.  There is no way I would have given myself to any man and endured this type of torment, had I known what I now know.

http://polygamyandtrafficking.com/abusing-the-vulnerable-trafficking/

2017

Like going to work, sometimes I do not want to write on my blog, yet every work day I am reminded of how fortunate I am to be able to communicate, and how our collective diverse minds make our world more complete.

Monday blogposts may turn into whatever-day blog posts.  I have catching up to do!

I reserve the right to be corrected, and make changes. I believe lack of love and irresponsible communication is the leading cause of pain and sorrow in our world.  I look forward to discussion, and explaining more in detail.  

6 Responses to Why I went MIA from my writing post

  1. Kim (Powell) says:

    Hi Vicky! I, too, live with anxiety on a daily basis. Some days are great, others are more difficult than anyone can imagine. Although I did not suffer through polygamy, I did suffer through a violent/abusive marriage. Everyday I am thankful for my grown children, my husband of 13 years and my job of 30 years teaching children. I have a nice home and look forward to a good retirement. Unfortunately, I still have anxiety. It gets better and I have accepted that anxiety is a part of my daily life. I’m glad you have found a job that suits you! Good luck!

    • admin says:

      Thank-you so much for sharing your personal background. I had no idea. It also gives hope to leading a healthy life after being diagnosed, or figuring it out by yourself. Many people have never been diagnosed with mental illness, yet if they put the pieces together (substance abuse, lack or continual changing of jobs, poor relationships, etc..) they might realize the unhealthy patterns mean something is wrong. This is the first step in getting help.

      I agree life does get better, and you are a living testament to that!

  2. pammie51 says:

    Thanks, Vickie! I really enjoyed reading your newsletter. I really relate to several of your experiences. I too went through some vocational rehab testing a few years ago. I especially remember trying to put simple blocks together to make a specific structure and became terribly frustrated (in tears even) after several attempts to make it perfect. The psychologist told me I had it right the first time, but I kept questioning myself in my abilities. He said I was very intelligent… and he was willing to bet I had PTSD – especially coming from where I did (the FLDS community in Short Creek). He said this before I had finished the other tests that day! Sure enough, the test results came back and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, among other things. Anyway, thanks Vickie, for your courage to write it as it is. You are an amazing woman and an inspiration to me! My editor (also being my beloved Gordie) and I are already discussing moving forward with my book… which I have put on the shelf for too long… til now that is.

    • admin says:

      Wow! Isn’t that similar. I appreciate you sharing your story. After I think about it, that could be exactly why the psychologist did what he did–he knew I was capable, and that it was something else. Shortly afterwards I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD. This is the first time I am sharing this, so it feels good to feel supported. Like you, I have never gone on to write a book. In fact, I sort of started my website as a way to get at least some of my information out to show there are two sides of the story (my former family members have been public, and tried to devaluate my story). Yes, get your story out, and a high five to Gordie!

  3. Harry Dschaak says:

    2016 will be remembered as a year of drastic changes in the human consciousness. The latest shifts hold promise for a better future, but the need for voices with experience has never been greater. Thanks for re-posting the 2011 article on “abuse of power”. –Harry

    • admin says:

      Harry I do believe you are right, or at least, I hope so! Our nation has so much potential. I hope we can learn from the past, pull through the storms ahead, and continue to move forward. Hang tough!

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