Category Archives: Chris Nemelka

Warning: Keeping My Portals Shut

I remember as a child singing a beloved Christmas song, the lyrics went something like this: “Open ye portals, I pray for the love of heaven, open ye doors for a poor woman waits outside…”

The song was about the birth of Christ. As a child, I loved hearing this song.  Afterwards we would take turns with relatives reenacting the first Christmas hoping to play the part of Mary and Joseph.  Then, we’d listen to early Mormon stories about pioneer ancestors.  I never imagined that some day I would be pioneering a new way for my children to view mortality.

Although I don’t know the title of this song, it still comes to mind because of the story behind it.  Motherhood, mother’s helpmeet, the portal of life; a symbol of love and salvation (“preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss”).  Life is meaningful.






Today the miracle and innocence of a naked baby contrasted with a trail of religions and temples

I do not know if there is a portal to heaven, or if there is a god who hears my prayers. Even if there was, I imagine that my prayers are unnecessary because God knows everything about me including what is best for me before I pray.  As a mother whose children often pleaded for something they wanted, I doubt God wants to hear another pestering prayer.  It just doesn’t make sense to me. Worse is the thought of deserving children whose prayers are not answered. My prayer would be that God answers their prayers first.

I am more than happy to let go of a real or made-up portal to heaven.

Life should be esteemed as sacred as a portal to heaven

This year, I am going to take more control over the time and energy I exert, and the time and energy used by those objects or individuals trying to side-track me, and make their way into my life.

This blogpost is about controlling what or who I allow to enter my portal.  I define portal as a doorway into my personal space, which space should be considered my heaven on earth. My peace and happiness.  I may not be able to control certain aspects of my life, but I can take more control over intruders, and potential intruders.

Recent intruders have been trying to finagle their way into my personal space through open portals.

I Do Not Know Why I am being Routed Through Utah

I recently noticed my computer was acting odd.  I accessed a program that showed each DNS address coming from SLC, Utah, to my IP address. The number of queries coming from Utah were 972, 1032, 836, 1013 782, 925.

This means that someone from Utah may be trying to gain access into my information. I have security set up, yet it will never be enough for a good hacker.

If a computer is not protected an unscrupulous person from anywhere can turn on a camera or microphone without the victim’s knowledge, besides gathering all their personal files, including passwords (e.g. Putin’s cyber-army).

There is no reason that I know of that my DNS is being routed to Salt Lake City, instead of Fresno (where it should be coming from).

I have double checked my computer portals for security.

Fake Anonymous









Fake Anonymous needs me

Last night I decided to shut all portals to anyone contacting me about my ex-spiritual polygamist husband CMN, unless there is (what I believe) a legitimate reason.  Not a legitimate excuse.

I received another e-mail this morning.

Due to my former experiences helping victims of polygamy-abuse, I do want to extend myself to others who may need assistance.  If you need help, please contact me privately.

Here are a few suggestions:

  • If you are suicidal contact a confidential suicide hotline. You can also message me on Facebook. I may be able to connect you to specialized services.
  • If you are being threatened, bullied, intimidated, isolated, or exploited get help from a domestic abuse hotline.
  • If your Messenger tries to play the divide and conquer game “Us” against “You” – get help. This is a common strategy used by an abuser.  Find help “outside” his support group.  Contact a victim’s advocate.
  • If he has publicly or privately humiliated or shamed you, in any way, it is a form of abuse.
  • If he uses fear tactics such as making you feel guilty for going along with something illegal or unethical he has done, or lured you into, do not let him make you feel guilty through association. It is a way to pull you in closer, or test your loyalty. Get out it will only get worse.
  • If he uses anything in your past, anything you have done to intimidate you, or if he spreads rumors or falsehoods about you it means he is angry and losing control. Do not be intimidated.  Get help immediately. Do not be sucked into his vortex.
  • If you have been a witness to illegal activities report it to law enforcement.  Ask for a victim’s advocate.
  • If you have seen your messenger do any of these things to others in the group take note, it is a sign of his true character. You are empowering him and supporting abuse.
  • Prepare for your escape and protection by getting help.

(The above may or may not apply).

I believe in freedom of religion. I do not believe in freedom to abuse others.  Deception and fraud are not protected under “religious freedom”.

I was a victim of CMN – so I am speaking from personal experience.  (I am familiar with many of the tactics above).

I do not believe CMN is a “Messenger” any more than I am, nor do I believe that the Humanity Party is the answer to solve our world’s poverty problems.  I will explain more in later posts about what I believe could be one of the answers to poverty.

I certainly hope no one would take someone like CMN seriously.  A leader? A humanitarian? Feed the hungry and take care of the orphans? CMN still owes back child-support to me.  He has never made amends.

I will open my portal for those individuals who message me on my Facebook, or Vickie’s Grin who need help.  I have already received anonymous messages, and will help whenever possible. Otherwise, I am closing my portal to those who are harassing me.

If you are a believer and happy, this message is not intended for you.

Coach Tricia      

“Tricia, Tricia, Tricia –

Do you really need to keep texting me to join your new fit challenge?  Besides the recent e-mails, I received two texts in one week. I was the woman who joined your fitness challenge last year and then quit before the challenge ended. Besides being a terrible challenger, I would have NEVER thrown money into the pot for your top weight losers had I known you would constantly be promoting Herbalife after joining.

Chanting for a Herbalife chaser is hitting rock bottom.  The only positive was my sister winning a pot of money without buying your Herbalife.  Please be more honest.

I am shutting my fitness portal to Coach Tricia, and all other promoters, by blocking unwanted numbers and email addresses.

Mormon Missionaries

This Christmas season while I was at work, the Mormon missionaries came to our door while I was gone.  Unbeknownst to me, they were invited back and shared a movie with my daughter.  The sisters also invited my daughter to a live nativity with a reminder: “World-wide day of service is December 1st”.

I would not have minded my daughter getting some education about, or from, the LDS Church with my knowledge.

I have shut that portal.

Billboards and False Advertising 

When I drive home from work I pass one of those “Come visit Moab” billboards.  I pass both the Moab billboard and the Scientology billboards.  Several billboards.

The reason why the Moab sign negatively affects me is because of unresolved issues when I was living in Utah, including Moab where I was groomed for polygamy. The geographical beauty doesn’t take those memories away.  It is my former connection with cults, and knowing that innocent people in Utah are being deceived by the appearance of something that looks wholesome and inviting, and yet, is harmful.

The billboard and signs on buses advertising Utah symbolize the machination of something attractive on the outside and rotten in the inside.

Recently one of my nieces was being sneakily recruited by her own boss into Scientology. She had no idea the professional business was also a lure until after being invited to Florida (Scientology headquarters). The communication teaching, and Scientology photographs posted on the wall is easy to miss when you aren’t looking. Luckily my darling niece figured it out.

I wasn’t so lucky before being recruited into Mormon Fundamentalism.

Since it is an impossibility to control pesky signs, and because I want others to have their freedom of speech, I am closing the portal to these uncomfortable messages.  Instead I stick in a CD to the musical “La La Land” and lala those billboards away.

I am now attracted to “cities of light”.


This blogpost was intended to give examples of some recent intruders, something my daughter would say – “first world problems, Mom.”  Partly as a written and visual reminder to myself.

There are many more important problems in the world than learning time management and how to control my day. Unfortunately, without religion, and someone leading me this is my life – learning to take accountability and control of my day.

Fortunately, I got this handled!

Intruders are not only people they are material items, emails, paperwork, phone calls, re-runs on television, too many of the same cute animal videos, and other distractions. THINGS that often do not give back. They are not only intruders they are feeders who suck the life and energy out of me.

I am shutting my portal to these costly interferences and creating a situation where I am naturally drawn towards something of value, instead of something less valuable.

It really does take a plan

Religion and religious leaders have used similar strategies to control people.  The problem is that the religion dictates the plan of action instead of the individual. If a person doesn’t fit into the mold of that religion or dictator, it is harmful to stay.

This reasoning, each person being unique and not always able to fit into a pre-prescribed role, is why I know the Mormon Church is false.  For example, should a woman who suffers from mental health issues be forced to give her husband more wives and told she will be destroyed if she doesn’t live polygamy? Of course not.

My great-grandmother, raised in the Mormon Church, immensely faithful and active to her religion and husband, nearly died with her four children. The pressures were too much.  As I read through old letters, not only did she suffer from anxiety, she was a perfectionist.  I am so glad someone helped her and her children off a railroad track that ominous day.  Although she spent the rest of her life in a mental hospital in Provo, Utah the baby she held in arms that day, my Grandmother, was loved and well-cared for by relatives.

“Hey, Mormon God, how does that scenario fit into you plan of salvation?”

Could my great-grandmother have stood the test of polygamy, if she was Emma Smith?

Closing portal.

Working on my plan

Some people believe this life is destiny; foreordination or predestination or the perfect formula of what was and will be.  I believe this life is about choices, and the more educated we become the better our choices.  Better choices and action can lead a person to a healthier life.

I have been shutting the portals lately in my life, trying to prioritize.  For the next few days I am going to be working on an individual and family mission statement, and the portals I want to open.



Why a Personal Website Now? My Recent Experience with a Cyber-Bully in Utah


Reality Quest — the beginning

11-1-93 Reality Quest One -photo copy

Reality Quest

“Reality Quest” are newsletter writings from my former spiritual husband Chris, aka Christopher Nemelka, during 1993-1994 (possibly 1995).  Forgive me for using the word “spiritual” — it’s a bit confusing. I don’t know if I believe in things spiritual. However, I do not know what other word to describe our relationship when there was nothing spiritual about it: 1) We were never legally married  2) I was Chris’s third plural wife 3) now I realize our relationship was based on fraud. (Yes, the word “spiritual” seems rather fitting–illusionary?)

I believe there are many things that we don’t understand, and it is convenient to use terms like “spiritual” to describe them.  Could it also be that some of the attributes that we possess as  human are qualities that we don’t understand.  Instead of waiting for science to explain it, we get impatient (faithless) and start creating names for these experiences such as “gifts of the spirit”?  Maybe these experiences or attributes are merely a sixth sense that humans have developed in the process of evolution, or scants of our early ancestry that have remained with us — perhaps in the same way as our animal friends use their keen senses.

Right before (and I am talking about the night before the Northern California fires broke out) I had a vivid dream of a fierce fire which I saw start at one end, and travel to the next end within seconds.  I woke up from the dream, and told my boyfriend (anyone can ask him if I am telling the truth).  What really made an impression in this dream was how BIG and FAST this blazing fire could travel.  The scene wasn’t pine trees like here in California where I live; it was a field, so it wasn’t as if I was seeing a California fire.

Do I have a gift of seeing into the future? I don’t think so. Some might say I do.  However, it could have been that it was a coincident, or maybe I heard the word “fire” that day and it stuck in my mind before I went to bed and became part of a subliminal message making its way into a dream.  Perhaps the fires had already started earlier and I smelled something (those instincts), or I felt the dryness from the drought in the air, and it reminded me of a fire.  Maybe I was hungry before I went to bed thinking about S’mores. It could have been my PTSD acting up because the fire scene was in Moab, Utah, where I once lived as a Mormon fundamentalist.  I hate to include this detail, but in the dream, I was several miles from the Rockland Ranch (a sandstone cave) where I lived.  This is where I saw the fire start, and (some of) the people there died, including children.  Could the tragedy of these polygamous families dying in my dream be related to the horrible recent flashflood tragedy in Southern Utah, and women and children dying there (close to the same time the fires in Northern California took place)?  Was there a correlation? Or was I  getting my visions mixed up? Was I not using my Seer Stone correctly?

The next night I saw streams of futuristic planes (unlike anything I have ever seen, sort of like large missiles with wings–I didn’t see any side windows) flying through the air into the United States, EVERYWHERE, and Russian civilians getting out.  These Russians were also arriving on railway. I looked around at the people next to me, and it was as if  everyone was sleepwalking–no one noticed them, or cared.  When I started making a holler, another person next to me took notice.  It was as if our government had already given approval (or had no power to stop it), and then I woke up.

After my experiences within religion, I no longer put ANY credence in these types of dreams as being a spiritual manifestation.  If I gave this power to an entity how would I know if it was a good one, or a bad one–an angel’s warning, or Satan deceiving me?

These doomsday dreams are not going to motivate me to do more good in the world.  Certainly following dead prophets (or any profits!), extrapolating scriptures, visions, dreams, prophesies is NOT going to help decaying neighborhoods, feeding the hungry, housing the poor, and bringing water to the thirsty.

I never wanted to tell anyone about these dreams, and here I am sharing them. Am I being used as a pawn in some greater plan?  Am I fulfilling Chris Nemelka’s “Marvelous Work and Wonder?” Damn the bad luck! Or, is it true what some Mormons are saying that September 28th will be the beginning of earthquakes along with the “blood moon” and “days of tribulation”. (I hope not — I have a 5K marathon that day! I wanted to get out of it — but, this would be taking it WAY too far!)

Before I start posting “Reality Quest(s)” of Chris’s (that are mine) — I can see the future now!  I realize that my former “spiritual” (fake) husband will use whatever I post and write to his advantage — let me warn the readers: Beware.  Christopher Nemelka has some of the most powerful leadership qualities that a human can possess, and he knows it.  Never put your faith in a human! (or ALIEN!) That is my message, and I believe that was his before he got lost in his ego.  The reason I wrote “alien” is because Chris wrote in his first Reality Quest over twenty years ago, “. . . perhaps he’s [Christopher] not of the same species . . .”

Hmmm . . . come to think of it.

There have been many species of men like Chris who have walked the earth.  I believe there are certain qualities that both he and Joseph Smith share that make them unique, but  I do not believe these are quality character traits — they are defects, or more commonly known as a personality disorder.  I am not a psychologist, yet I have studied enough to know that many cult leaders fall into the category of a sociopath.  (Here is a link from the Exit Support Network for more information about this personality disorder).

Chris and I parted ways, and I moved to Grass Valley, California, and on September 20, 1993 he wrote me and told me that he hoped this manuscript (that he would send in newsletters) would help me “and anyone else who might be interested search for the truth.”

These are his truths (or lies). I am posting them because many individuals follow his “message” and I’d also like to set the record straight regarding rumors about me.  Perhaps someday these individuals/followers of his message will realize that they have wasted their life chasing a rabbit down a dark hole.  Listen to someone who fell for his joke:  Move on.  Get out there and make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and feed the poor. Close your wordy-MAWA books and play ball with your children.  If you want to “gain a greater perspective of the origins of life” take opiates they work much faster! Don’t waste your time trying to figure out what the dead tokens mean in the temple — No ADVANCED being cares.  These are all diversion tactics.

Perhaps if some of these individuals looking for eternal truths begin to look at the bigger picture, and connect the dots, they will realize MAWA has nothing to do with separating the messenger from the message.  No higher power, or intelligence, would want ANY of us swimming in circles spending our whole life figuring this out or reading books  trying to figure out dates when the world will end, and attempting to know the “mysteries” when they are a MYSTERY. The meaning of life is right in front of us.


I will post the Reality Quests that I have in my Document section according to dates, so that you may continue in your folly — or finally decide to get rid of the shackles or “WORDS” that often imprison us.  My prayer is that you may become the savior of your own lives. (I will black out content that would expose family members, and protect irrelevant family history.)




I Love My Body!

2nd Plural Marriage: Part One

This is a blog post introducing a new page I wrote for Vickie’s Grin that can be read here 2nd Plural Marriage : Part One This edited cover of “Are You My Mother?” by P.D. Eastman is symbolic of my l-o-n-g  d-r-a-w-n out identity crises involving Mormonism.

Have I finally found myself? Yes, I do believe I have!

It is backwards to tell my story beginning with the second spiritual husband first – yet, my past is backwards, and in the thick of all the backwardness, I keep hearing my former sister-wife #2 telling me wife #1 — “The first shall be last, and the last shall be first.”

So, does it really matter where I start?

Here is one more reminder in case you forget that the only reason for this short blog post is that there is a longer, more informative, better writing if you click right here > 2nd Plural Marriage: Part One